One Word: 2016

Every year, I choose a word to help shape the coming year and how I view it. Last year, my word was Embrace, and I feel that I lived up to that. This year, my word is: Discover.

When choosing my word, I decided to take my time to carefully consider what word would truly be best for me, and I ended up going through a few of them before choosing discover. I started out with inspire, because I have a passion for wanting to inspire others. However, I didn't feel like it was the right word for the whole year.

I was continually asking myself, what do I want to improve about myself this year? What is the one thing I want to come out of 2016 with that I didn't have going in? As I was doing this soul-searching, a single word started appearing everywhere that I turned. I'd be reading a book, watching a TV show, or reading a blog post, and there it would be: curious. Naturally, I first thought that maybe this was supposed to be my word since it kept popping up like a sign of some kind. I felt a deep connection to the word, because I realized that I wanted to be curious about things I've never been curious about before. I wanted to consider doing things I've never done. I looked up the exact definition of curious, and according to Webster's, it means; having a desire to learn or know more about something or someone.

This applied to me in many ways. I knew that one of my goals for this year was going to be to explore new things purely for the enjoyment of it; allowing myself to be curious just for fun, and no other reason or underlying motive. Even after finding a connection with this word, though, I still didn't feel compelled to make it my word.

Finally, after days, even weeks, of trying to figure it out, it came to me. Being curious means "having a desire to learn", but I wanted more than just the desire. I wanted the action that you put into place after the curiosity appears. What comes after curiosity? Discovery. I wanted my word for the year to be the verb and not just the adjective.

The Webster's Dictionary's definitions of discover only confirmed my decision to make this my word.

 Discover:

• to see, find, or become aware of (something) for the first time 
• to show the presence of (something hidden or difficult to see) : to make (something) known 
• to learn or find out (something surprising or unexpected)

I didn't want to just be curious about things, I wanted to become aware, make something known, and learn or find out about them.

So this year, I have vowed to act on my curiosities. I have vowed to discover more about myself and the things around me - about the things that interest me - and to do it with reckless abandon. 

I vow to wonder, to be curious, and then to do something about it.



Happy New Year!!! 

Hiding in Your Comfort Zone

It's funny how only a handful of words can immensely impact us once they are spoken.

Today, I was sitting in a dark theater with a bucket full of buttery popcorn in my lap, when a little girl on the screen dropped a truth bomb that rattled me to my core.

I was watching the movie Joy, starring the impeccable Jennifer Lawrence.

In the film, the main character is revisited by her child self in a dream. This young version of Joy looked into present day Joy's eyes with a pensive stare. As she spoke the words to her future self, I felt that she was also speaking them directly to me. She said, "When you hide from the world, you are safe...but the thing is, when you are hiding from the world, you are also hiding from yourself."

After hearing those words spoken aloud, I couldn't stop thinking about them and replaying them over and over in my mind.

I consider myself a bit of an expert on the topic of hiding away, because I did it for my entire life. When I was a kid, I was chronically shy to the point of not talking to anyone in my preschool class, even the teachers, for an entire year. The first day that I actually did speak to someone, the school called my mom in a state of excitement and celebration. My shyness ebbed slightly the older that I got, but I was always the person who had to have someone else initiate the conversation to engage in one at all.

Then, after a series of unfortunate events, I began to hide away in a different sense - one that was more physical. I was living in an unhealthy household for 10 years which caused me to withdraw into myself. I also acquired a back injury about 4 years ago that caused me to quit my job, and kept me from being able to stand for longer than a minute or two. I was carted around in a wheelchair for a while, and, as ashamed as I am to admit this, it humiliated me. I stopped wanting to go places. I didn't want to see my friends. I stayed home and lost myself in books and TV shows. For a long time, I told myself I was perfectly content, and maybe I really thought I was. Like the words that resonated with me so deeply today, I was hiding, and I was safe.

Things started to look up for me around September of this year. I moved to a new place with a totally healthy and healing environment, the toxic people that surrounded me were removed from my life, and I got to start anew. I came out of my hiding place. And when I did, I started to discover myself again, not even realizing that I had been hiding from myself all of this time.

So much has changed for the better in the past few months, and I have reached a point where I no longer want to hide from myself or the world. I want to live again.

Hiding is easy, yet so unfulfilling. In those moments of hiding away, we may think that we are content, but in reality we are stifling our true selves. We end up becoming some watered-down version of who we are truly meant to be. We think "I'm fine where I'm at. I'm comfortable, what's wrong with that?!" In fact, I told myself that so many times that it became my mantra.

Now, though, I know that if you are comfortable and have no plans to move forward, or "level up", you are stunting your success and your ability to gain more from life than you ever have before. It may feel cozy in that comfort zone of yours, but I can guarantee that it feels so much better when you step out and give yourself room to truly breathe and stretch out your tired limbs. There is no feeling like doing something that you have always told yourself you couldn't do. Is it still terrifying? Of course! The difference is that instead of seeing moving up as some impossible challenge, we should look at it as an exciting opportunity.

I want to stop fearing the unknown, and instead welcome it with open arms and an open heart.

I've hidden from my problems, from people, from life itself, for too long now. I'm deciding to emerge from my hiding place that has tried to swallow me whole. I am walking out of the fog and into the blinding rays of hope that fall outside of those walls I have spent so long building.

I plan to take life one step at a time and move forward into the unknown, yet exhilarating and wondrous future.

Everyone Has a Story

You know when you come across someone that you connect with on a spiritual level? Like, the more you get to know them, the more you can feel your souls merging together? It's beautiful. It just sucks when that person doesn't even know that you exist because they are famous and you're just some random person reading their book.
I am reading Brittany Gibbon's book Fat Girl Walking: Sex, Food, Love, and Being Comfortable in Your Skin...Every Inch of It. Reading it has been a glorious experience. Brittany is decidedly hilarious, which initially drew me in, but what kept me reading was her brutal honesty along with the connection I have truly felt to her while getting to know her and her story. I don't want to sound creepy, because it's not like I want to stalk her and wear her face for a mask or anything, I just think it would be cool to meet her one day and have her sign my book or something.
It's so nice to find someone who you feel really knows you just by them sharing their story and you thinking "is this my diary or...?".
Something I have been thinking about consistently this past year is when and how to share my own story. I believe everyone has a story to tell, and I think that mine is one that could inspire others. I want my message to be similar to Brittany's; I want people to know that it's more than okay to accept yourself for who you are, and that beauty literally has nothing to do with the size of your clothes or the way your body looks naked. I started a project a long time ago called B.U. which stands for Beauty Undefined (but it also sounds like be you...get it?)
So anyway, whenever I worked on this project, it never seemed to really take off. I had all of these ideas, but I would soon lose my inspiration and give up on it. I have picked the project back up multiple times throughout my life, but so far, not a whole lot has come from it.
I did make a few videos on YouTube, which I am very proud of (I'll post the videos below), but again, I lost my inspiration not long after posting them, which really is a shame. Especially after the positive response that I got.

VIDEOS:




That doesn't mean I ever stopped having the desire to continue, though. The desire has always been there, even before I created B.U. Most of the time, though, I feel too inadequate to carry on with the project.
However, I have recently been feeling pretty strongly that 2016 will be my year. It will be the year for me to finally share my story and spread this message that I have been wanting to spread for a long time. I finally feel like my story is truly ready to be told, and that I have more important things to say now than I ever have before. I don't think the timing has ever been right up until now.
I don't know my exact next steps for pursuing B.U., but I know that blogging and writing will be a huge part of it.
I just quickly have to thank Brittany Gibbons for sharing her story. She has empowered and inspired me to share my own.
Maybe one day Brittany and I can meet and maybe she will be like "Hey, love that book you wrote." And then we will become instant best friends. Ok...so maybe that's a bit far-fetched, but a girl can dream, right?

To anyone reading this, I want you to know that your voice matters, and it is important. I have to remind my self of that every single day, because, for whatever reason, I like to tell myself that no one wants to hear what I have to say, or that it isn't important enough. I just need to tell that part of my brain to shove it, because that's just not true. I want to encourage and inspire others, and I don't think that's such a bad goal to have. It's not like we couldn't use anymore positivity in the world.
I sincerely hope that you will stick around and eventually be inspired by something that I have to say.

Why is it Easier to Believe that Evil Exists?

A question that has been very heavy on my mind lately is "Why is it sometimes easier for me to believe in the evil of this world, but harder for me to believe in the goodness of God?" I have been pondering it for a few days, but only moments ago, the answer to this question filled my mind, and I realized how simple the explanation truly is.
It is easier for us to believe in the evil of this world because we live in this world where evil is prominent. We live in a world where evil rules, and the light and goodness that is God is a rarity. It is very easy to see the evil of this world, because it's in front of our faces every single day. Just turn on the news, or even something as common as a sitcom during prime-time, and it won't take long to see something "worldly", or just completely evil. We are totally surrounded by it on this earth.
God is something that we actively have to seek. He isn't in everything of this world. He doesn't rule here, He only lives in those who know and love Him. We have to search for Him in this world, and sometimes He is hard to find in the things around us. But He is still always there, even if it's easy to forget sometimes.
Humans are creatures who very much like to "see it to believe it", and we see proof of the devil everyday. God isn't "in our face" here in this world, but he can be in our hearts, and that's so much better. We can't forget that He IS here, even if this world doesn't reflect His presence. He is protecting us, loving us, and waiting for us to come and be with Him in a place where He DOES reign, and where evil cannot ever touch us. This world can easily devour us with its constant presence of evil, but I refuse to let it overtake me.
Recently, I have become obsessed with researching evil influences in the media and our culture, and how it is effecting the people of this world immensely. It is good to have knowledge of these things, but it is not good to let it consume you as I have. I am choosing to only focus on God and the light that He provides for this world. Even if His light seems to only be small slivers that are spread sparsely throughout the world, it is still a light that is bright, and that banishes all darkness from it. As long as I stay in His presence, His light will illuminate my life, and I will never forget that He is even more real than the evil of the world, and He is far more powerful than the devil could ever wish to be.
With him, I am protected, I am safe, I am loved, and I am alive. With Him, I need no one else.
I refuse to live in this world, and give up my soul for any kind of worldly promises.
As Toby Mac says in his song Lose My Soul, "I don't want to gain the whole world, and lose my soul."
Instead, I will stay here as long as God needs me here, and continue to live with Him in my heart until the day I go to live in His wonderful kingdom forever.